I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
