I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
