So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
