obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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