I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
