I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Drunk is not a location!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
