I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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