Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
