where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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