i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
