So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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