So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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