what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
