I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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