i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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