worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
