I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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