pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
