Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
