He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
