bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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