im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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