just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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