He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
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Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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