i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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