This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
