he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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