just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
3 2 1 whiskey
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
