Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
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Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
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Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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