my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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