i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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