he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
