I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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