sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
