tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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