Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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