Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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