My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
soo... how was my night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
