So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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