Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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