capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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