Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
