I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
