If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
