Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
