i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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