Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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