imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
