i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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