chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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