I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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