You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
