I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I supernannyed him into submission
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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