I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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