Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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