note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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