he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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